MENACE BY TESSA PRESENTS
THE CASE FILES
CASE NO. 004 | STATUS: CLOSED
An ongoing investigation into suspicious arrival estimates, missing accountability, and the unexplained disappearance of punctuality.
01. The Incident Report
The reservation is at seven. You confirmed the plans on Monday, sent a reminder on Thursday, and received an enthusiastic “Can’t wait!” approximately three hours before the scheduled gathering. Everything appears normal. Suspiciously normal.
At 6:45, you send a quick message asking whether your friend is on the way. The response arrives immediately: “Almost ready!” A concerning statement, considering the restaurant is thirty minutes away and the reservation is in fifteen.
At 7:10, another message arrives. “Leaving now!” At 7:25, they’re supposedly five minutes away. At 7:40, they’re looking for parking. At 7:52, they’re finally walking through the door, smiling as though they’ve just completed a perfectly ordinary journey through space and time.
Naturally, The Case Files has opened an investigation. Because at some point, being fashionably late stops being fashionable and starts looking suspiciously like a complete disregard for everybody else’s evening.
02. Evidence Collected
Exhibit A: The fictional departure. At 6:50, the suspect announces, “I’m on my way!” Investigators later discover this message was sent while the suspect was still deciding between two outfits. The vehicle had not been started. The shoes had not been located. The suspect’s hair was reportedly still wet.
Exhibit B: The five-minute phenomenon. The suspect has claimed to be five minutes away on seventeen separate occasions. Actual arrival times range from twenty minutes to an hour and a half. The court has requested clarification on which system of measurement is being used, because it is clearly not the one recognized by modern civilization.
Exhibit C: The elaborate excuse collection. Traffic. Parking. A missing earring. An unexpected phone call. A gas station stop. A dog that needed attention. The suspect has accumulated enough explanations to produce a twelve-part documentary series. Remarkably, not one explanation involves leaving the house earlier.
Exhibit D: The audacity of being offended. On one occasion, the group began ordering appetizers after waiting forty minutes. Upon arrival, the suspect expressed disappointment that nobody waited. Apparently, the rest of the table was expected to enter a medically supervised fasting program until the guest of honor completed their personal preparations.
The evidence indicates a recurring pattern of suspicious time estimates, preventable delays, and an alarming confidence in the phrase “Be there soon.”
03. Suspects & Questionable Motives
Our investigation has identified several individuals of interest, beginning with the Chronic Underestimator. This suspect believes every task requires approximately four minutes, regardless of complexity. Showering, getting dressed, finding keys, and driving across town are somehow expected to fit into the same time window as microwaving leftovers.
Next is the Last-Minute Multitasker. This individual begins preparing at the exact moment they should be leaving. Suddenly, the laundry needs folding, the kitchen needs cleaning, and an important email from three weeks ago requires an immediate response. The suspect has apparently mistaken departure time for the beginning of an entirely new productivity routine.
Then we have the Optimistic Navigator, who insists the drive will take fifteen minutes despite every available mapping application predicting forty. Traffic patterns, construction zones, and the laws of physics are dismissed as unnecessary negativity.
Finally, we have the Repeat Offender With No Remorse. This suspect arrives late, laughs about being late, and immediately announces that everyone should know by now how they operate. The court would like to clarify that having a recognizable pattern of misconduct does not automatically make that misconduct acceptable.
04. Tessa’s Findings
Here’s the thing: everybody runs late occasionally. Traffic happens. Emergencies happen. Sometimes the universe decides that the exact moment you need to leave is also the perfect moment for your car keys to disappear into another dimension. Nobody is demanding flawless punctuality.
But there’s a difference between an occasional delay and a lifestyle built around making everybody else wait.
When someone consistently arrives late, the message isn’t always intentional, but the impact is still real. Other people rearranged their schedules, traveled across town, made reservations, and showed up when they said they would. Their time matters just as much as yours, even if they aren’t delivering a dramatic monologue about how busy their afternoon has been.
And can we discuss the suspicious mathematics involved? If you’re still at home and the destination is thirty minutes away, you are not five minutes away. You are thirty minutes away, plus however long it takes to finish whatever mysterious activity is preventing you from leaving.
A little honesty would solve half the problem. “I’m running twenty minutes behind” is useful information. “Almost there” while standing in front of your closet is a creative writing exercise.
And before the chronically late delegation begins preparing its defense, relax. Nobody is requesting that you arrive forty-five minutes early with a clipboard. We’re simply suggesting that showing up when you said you would is a surprisingly effective way to demonstrate respect for the people waiting.
05. The Final Verdict
After reviewing the timestamps, comparing conflicting arrival estimates, and consulting an imaginary department of transportation, this court has reached a unanimous decision.
VERDICT: GUILTY OF AGGRAVATED TARDINESS, RECKLESS ETA FABRICATION, AND FIRST-DEGREE DISRESPECT OF THE GROUP RESERVATION.
SENTENCE: Thirty days of mandatory departure-time planning, supervised calendar management, and a court-ordered prohibition against using the phrase “five minutes away” unless the suspect can provide credible geographic evidence.
The court further rules that dinner reservations will proceed as scheduled, appetizers may be ordered without permission, and repeat offenders are responsible for locating their own parking.
CASE STATUS: CLOSED. ALL FUTURE ARRIVAL ESTIMATES SUBJECT TO VERIFICATION.
Now it’s your turn, Group Chat. Do you have that one friend who’s permanently “five minutes away”? Or are you the friend who needs to start getting ready three business days before an event? The court welcomes your testimony, but please arrive on time.
