MENACE BY TESSA PRESENTS
THE CASE FILES
CASE NO. 001 | STATUS: CLOSED
An ongoing investigation into the alarming decline of common courtesy.
01. The Incident Report
Somewhere between the invention of the smartphone and the rise of people filming themselves in grocery stores, basic manners apparently packed a suitcase and disappeared without leaving a forwarding address. Nobody knows exactly when they vanished, but the evidence is everywhere. People block entire aisles, conduct personal conversations on speakerphone, and behave as though the rest of society exists solely as background scenery in their personal documentary.
Naturally, The Case Files has opened an investigation. Because at this point, common courtesy isn’t just missing. It’s practically an endangered species.
02. Evidence Collected
Exhibit A: The grocery store aisle hostage situation. You’re simply trying to grab a carton of milk when you encounter three people, two shopping carts, and an entire family reunion taking place directly in front of the refrigerators. Nobody moves. Nobody acknowledges your existence. You could announce an incoming meteor, and somebody would still be standing there discussing whether Aunt Linda should bring potato salad.
Exhibit B: The public speakerphone enthusiast. This individual believes every restaurant, waiting room, and checkout line deserves unrestricted access to their personal business. We now know their cousin owes them money, their boyfriend is apparently useless, and somebody named Brenda has been acting suspicious since Easter. Brenda, wherever you are, we hope you’re okay. The rest of us would simply like to purchase our groceries without being subpoenaed into a family dispute.
Exhibit C: The disappearing thank-you. Doors are held, favors are performed, and kindness is extended, only to be met with the emotional enthusiasm of a parking meter. Apparently, acknowledging another human being requires an advanced certification nobody bothered to obtain.
The evidence is overwhelming. The prosecution rests, although the prosecution is technically just Tessa with a laptop and an attitude.
03. Suspects & Questionable Motives
Our investigation has identified several potential suspects, beginning with Main Character Syndrome. Symptoms include an inability to recognize other people as fully functioning human beings and a deeply held belief that personal convenience supersedes every social contract ever established.
Next is Chronic Obliviousness, a condition frequently observed in crowded doorways, escalators, and parking lots. These individuals aren’t necessarily malicious. They simply move through life with the situational awareness of a decorative throw pillow.
Finally, we have Entitlement, the prime suspect and repeat offender. Entitlement doesn’t believe rules apply to everyone equally. Entitlement believes the entire world should adjust its schedule, volume, and physical location to accommodate whatever nonsense it has planned before lunch.
04. Tessa’s Findings
Here’s the fascinating part: nobody is demanding perfection. We’re not requesting handwritten thank-you notes, formal introductions, or a ceremonial bow every time somebody holds open a door. We’re asking for the bare minimum. A little awareness, an occasional excuse me, and the revolutionary understanding that other people also exist.
Somewhere along the way, consideration became optional while inconvenience became everybody else’s responsibility. We’ve confused confidence with rudeness, independence with selfishness, and being unapologetically ourselves with behaving like absolute menaces in public.
And before anyone starts defending their right to exist loudly, relax. Nobody is confiscating your personality. We’re simply suggesting that the general population shouldn’t need protective equipment to survive your trip to Target.
05. The Final Verdict
After reviewing the evidence, interviewing absolutely nobody, and consulting an entirely imaginary legal department, this court has reached a unanimous decision.
VERDICT: GUILTY OF AGGRAVATED AUDACITY AND RECKLESS DISREGARD FOR BASIC HUMAN DECENCY.
SENTENCE: Thirty days of supervised grocery shopping, mandatory speakerphone rehabilitation, and 100 consecutive uses of the phrases “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me.”
The court also recommends immediate reinstatement of common sense, effective yesterday.
CASE STATUS: CLOSED. SOCIETY REMAINS UNDER OBSERVATION.
Now it’s your turn, Group Chat. What’s the biggest violation of basic manners you’ve witnessed lately? Because something tells me this investigation is far from over.
